


From Mary To Roger

by PumpkinLily



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Questioning, although some people won't, but of course it's not going to be that easy, but people will help them, freddie and roger are so cute together, they'd do a great couple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-10-25 18:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17730260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinLily/pseuds/PumpkinLily
Summary: Freddie thought he would spend his life with Mary, the love of his life.Roger would only fall for girls.But people evolve, and their feelings too.A multi-chapter story, revolving around Froger.





	1. Far Away Happy Times

**Author's Note:**

> It's interesting and fun to write how people could develop feelings for each other, how they would handle it, the various events that could come between them, etc. And of course how they would reveal their love and what would happen afterwards.
> 
> And more importantly I really wanted to write a long fanfiction about Froger (once again, Freddie and Roger are so cute together). 
> 
> Anyway, here's the first chapter. Enjoy, you who like Froger, love stories, or you who's simply passing by.

__________ 

 

"Freddie, are you okay?"

Usually, when Mary asked him this question, Freddie would brush it aside in mere seconds, saying it's nothing, or explaining that he's tired. Then he would go back to a smiling face and continue talking with her. It was easier this way. For him and for her.

But today, Freddie felt like he could not continue pretending to be anything but not okay.

"Mary..."

Mary couldn't remember the last time she saw Freddie this nervous. He could barely look at her in the eyes. This was so unlike him, she knew this couldn't mean good news.

"...There's... something really important I need to tell you."

His voice was a bit too low, a bit too hesitating. As if he was guilty of something.

"...What it is, Freddie?"

Mary tried not to sound too worried, and offered him a reassuring smile, but in her eyes was nothing but concern and that was more than enough to affect Freddie negatively. Gently, she took his hand between her own, and felt how tensed he was. Even her touch couldn't ease him this time.

"...I..."

Several times, Freddie tried to speak and pronounce the dreaded words. But he couldn't go further. Pulling away his hand, he got up from his seat, avoiding his girlfriend's eyes. He couldn't look at her, or he would break down right there.

"...I'm sorry, Mary."

Before she could do anything, he started walking away, quickly putting some distance between them until she could no longer see him.

"...Freddie..."

__________

 

"Pffff, Brian, for once that I'm here, couldn't you put something else? I'm sure there are much more interesting programs than this boring stuff."

"Roger, if you'd unblock your ears you'd realize this documentary on animals is great." Brian assured, his eyes glued to the TV. "Plus they're going to talk about badgers now." He added with a smile.

"Oh, yes, badgers, great. My favorite." Roger rolled his eyes, sighing, sinking a bit more into the couch. "I don't know why you like them so much. They're just animals."

"And your cars are just piles of shiny painted metal." Brian replied without moving his eyes away from the screen.

"Hey! Cars are much more than that!" Roger harrumphed, ready to defend his beloved machines.

"Roger, please, could you make less noise?" John asked quietly from the other side of the couch. "I'm trying to read."

"Oh, so Brian's boring and useless thing doesn't bother you but I do?"

"Oh of course when it's not about cars or pretty girls you're not interested." Brian said, annoyed by his friend's poor patience for some things. "Now please Roger, shut up. I want to listen."

The blonde was about to reply something, but realized that whatever he could say Brian wouldn't change his mind. Continuing complaining was an option, but John would never take his side anyway and he could end up with one of Brian's clogs in his face. He sighed again, grumbling. Why didn't he go to the bar like he usually did on evenings?

The regular sound of the documentary continued to fill the living room with life for a moment, to Brian's joy, John's indifference and Roger's despair. It was suddenly disrupted when they heard the front door open, followed by the sound of some shoes rubbing against the doormat, then being taken off. After a few seconds, they heard the door slowly closing.

All these events meant Freddie was home, and it was enough to motivate Roger to move away from the couch, happy to get up, while John closed his book and Brian even teared his eyes away from the TV.

"Hey Fred ! Glad you're back, it's-"

Roger's words immediately died when he noticed how miserable his friend looked, despite his attempts at putting off a smile. His brown eyes, usually so full of life, appeared faded and filled with sadness.

"...It didn't went well with Mary?" John supposed, getting closer to him.

Freddie's weak smile disappeared as he rather quickly raised his hand, not wanting him to get closer. John stopped. Freddie laid his dark eyes on him for a few seconds, then on Roger, then Brian, who both hadn't moved from their spot. Then, without a word, he went to the room he was sharing with Roger, firmly closing the door, leaving them in silence, confused about what just happened.

"...So it didn't went well with Mary..." John said, sighing.

He wasn't surprised, neither were Brian or Roger. It wasn't going well with Mary for a few weeks now, even if Freddie was trying his best to show the contrary. He was fooling no one, although they didn't know much about what was happening between them. He never went back home angry, so they assumed there were no fights. But they had witnessed how, during the times he was with her, he had looked less and less genuinely happy, to hide more and more his growing suffering behind a fake happy smile and behaviour. And it was paining them, to see Freddie like that.

During these last years, the three of them have seen how happy he has been with Mary. But these happy times with her seemed very far away, even more now that it looked like Freddie was barely trying to hide it.

"...Do you think they..." Roger asked, without finishing his sentence.

The three of them exchanged a look. No. They couldn't have broken. Or else they would had have to mop Freddie's remains from the floor.

"Whatever happened, it was bad enough. I'm pretty sure Mary's in the same state right now." Brian said.

And Mary unhappy automatically meant Freddie twice unhappy. Given how much he cared for her, he surely was going to call her some time after to heavily apologize. But it looked really bad this time. Not that their relationship never had any down moments before, but nowhere near as threatening for their future together as now. The last weeks had seen the beginning of the end, and the end had never seemed so close.

"...Other than that, have you seen how Fred looked at us?" Roger asked.

"Yeah. It felt really weird." John said. "Like he was... scanning us."

"To me, he seemed worried." Brian confessed. "Almost as if he was... expecting something while looking at us."

"Expecting what? A reaction?"

"...Probably. Now what exactly, I don't know. We'd only be certain if we asked him."

And given how Freddie straight up went to isolate himself without a word, interacting with him won't be possible before most probably hours. They'd have to wait tomorrow morning to talk. In the mean time, the wisest thing to do was going to sleep. They couldn't do much for him right now.

__________

 

His jacket thrown away without a care in a corner, Freddie let himself collapse on his bed, not bothering to turn on the lights. The darkness of the room was now only disrupted by the recognizable red colour coming from his alarm clock and the lights from outside, still heavily filtered by the shutters and the curtains. Not like he needed to see anything anyway.

His back against the wall, he brought his legs close to him. His breath was getting less and less regular. But he was alone. He could cry now.

"Fuck." He mumbled angrily.

Gritting his teeth, Freddie cursed himself for being such a damn coward. He was supposed to say it today. He could have simply told it and got this over with, but no, at the last moment he decided he was not ready for everything that would happen after, withdrawing behind silence and evasion. While he simply left Mary in the lurch, not even thinking about her and how she could have felt until now.

"...Fuck..."

_'Not only you ran away before her, but you didn't even look at her? So brave of you, leaving her like that.'_ His inner voice taunted. _'What a great boyfriend you are.'_

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to... I didn't want to make her sad..." He pleaded in a weak but sincere voice.

_'Oh, so you're "sorry", problem solved. You think she was okay after you ran away like that? If you really cared about her you'd KNOW that you would help more by telling her than hiding it. Admit it, you just wanted to protect yourself.'_

Freddie stayed silent, tears beginning to form in the corner of his eyes.

He knew too well the consequences of the words he had tried to say earlier this day. Once he would pronounce them, as much as they loved each other, Mary and him wouldn't stay together. And the thought of them breaking up was crushing him.

They had been in a relationship for years. Happy for years. Freddie wished it would never change. He wanted nothing but to stay at her side, loving her as strongly as ever as more years would pass. They would marry, have children, and live a happy life together until death would take one of them.

_'You know that won't happen. Not anymore.'_

He could not imagine anyone but Mary. Mary, the love of his life.

"...I love her... I really do..." He managed to tell, his voice breaking as he reached the last word.

Tears began running down his cheeks. Slowly, Freddie started to sob, knowing things could never stay the same. He had pretended they could go on, that everything was fine, for too long. As much as he refused to hear it, it had to be over. He had been lying to protect her, preserve their relationship that meant the world to him. He loved Mary dearly. He cared for her more than anything. But he knew, deep down, the cruel facts. They weren't happy together anymore. If they stayed in a relationship, he would never be able to make her completely happy. There were some things he couldn't give her. And there were some things she could not give him.

"...Mary... I love you..."

_'I know you love her. But you have to let her go. For her happiness. And for yours.'_

Tomorrow, Freddie would be brave enough to tell her. Ready enough for what would come next. For her sake.

But for now, he just felt like crying. Crying his heart out for everything he would end in the near future. 

__________


	2. The Impact of Words

It was close to midnight now, at least that's what the alarm clock was showing. Freddie had barely moved from his spot since he stopped crying, not even trying to get some rest. Not that sleep was something he would get tonight, given how his situation with Mary was eating him up. 

_'...I should call her.'_ He thought, realizing about how late it was already.

Slowly, he got up, and opened the door. No lights, no sounds. Brian and John probably went to sleep long ago. As for Roger, he wasn't sure. He had the habit of going to the bar either to get drunk or get laid, or both at the same time. At least someone out there was having fun.

_'...Maybe she's sleeping. Damn, I hope I'm not waking her up...'_ Freddie thought as he was dialing Mary.

He waited for her voice, feeling his heart starting to beat faster. He tried to cool down, telling himself he wasn't breaking up with her yet, but his nervousness ran back as soon as he heard Mary's voice over the phone.

"Mary, it's me. I'm really, really, really sorry for leaving you like this earlier, I've been horrible to you, I understand if you're angry at me now." Freddie quickly spilled, his voice overrun by guilt. "I know I've hurt you, I've been stupid, I-"

"Freddie, please, calm down. I assure you, I'm not angry." His girlfriend told, hoping to get him to stop berating himself. "...I'm just a bit worried." She admitted.

"That's worse..." Freddie told in a weak voice, as if he didn't felt guilty enough already.

"...You wanted to tell me something important, right?"

"Yes. But, not now. I... Could we meet tomorrow after work? Around... seven, at the park?"

Mary was okay with that. She didn't imagined that nothing would be the same after this.

"Well, see you tomorrow, Freddie. Love you." She told in a soft, sweet voice.

"Love you too." He replied, trying to sound normal despite feeling crushed as he pronounced the words.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips after he hung up. It was settled now, one less unpleasant thing to do. But it wasn't much, compared to what was still weighing on Freddie's shoulders.

The silence of the room was suddenly disrupted by the sound of the front door opening, making the singer jump. Quickly enough, a certain blonde who clearly wasn't sober appeared to him, a stupid smile on his pretty face. He took off his jacket and actually missed the coat rack, as it fell on the floor.

"Freddiiiie! You're still awake?" He asked in a happy tone.

"...I had things to do." He simply answered, not wanting to get into details.

"Man, you'd have SEEN the girl I kissed!" Roger told with a huge grin. "She was so hot, and sweet, and-"

"I'm sure she was wonderful Roger." Freddie quickly cut him.

He didn't mean to sound rude but he didn't have the patience to hear his friend gush about some girl he snogged. He then noticed that Roger had lost his smile.

"S-Sorry Fred, I didn't mean to brag about it." He apologized sheepishly. "I know things are not good between you and Mary."

"Roger, it's not about that-"

"Freddie, we know. We're not blind." The blond told with a serious voice. "I-It's obvious you're gonna break up soon. You're not happy with her."

It was nothing but the truth. But hearing someone actually pronounce these words, giving them reality, was too much for Freddie. He tried to reply something, to say he was wrong, that it wasn't true, but there was no more loving relationship to preserve. Only a weak "No..." came out of his mouth, as tears began to show up again. Roger, seeing he was about to cry because of him, got closer to him.

"I-I'm sorry Fred, I didn't want to hurt you..."

"No, y-you're right. That's what going to happen. I just..." He broke up in tears in Roger's arms. "It hurts..." He mumbled.

Freddie hated that he was crying again, especially in front of his best friend. He would cry enough after his talk with Mary, he really didn't need anymore tears. On his side, Roger was pained to see him like that, feeling a bit guilty about what he said. Freddie would still have been sad – although devastated was more appropriate – but at least he wouldn't have cried if he didn't opened his mouth. He wanted to console him, but he was still drunk and didn't want to say anything hurtful again. Rather than adding any more words, he warped his arms around his friend, hoping a supportive hug would do some good. 

After a few seconds, Freddie's breath got more regular, his sobs progressively weakening until the tears stopped flowing. He stayed a few more seconds in Roger's arms, taking the time to calm down completely.

"...Thank you." He managed to smile while pulling himself from the hug.

"It's the least I can do, Fred."

 

__________

 

Surprisingly, Freddie's night went rather okay. Crying in Roger's arms did some good after all. He managed to get a decent sleep and didn't have any bad dreams about Mary and him. Not yet.

Still, during the day he made all the efforts he could to focus on other things. Singing and playing piano at the studio helped him greatly. Brian, John and Roger were glad to see he wasn't down like last evening and was putting his heart and soul even more in the music than usual. Although they knew it wouldn't last, they avoided any questions related to Mary, or the way he had looked at them, wanting to keep his positive mood for as long as possible. For a few hours, everything seemed okay.

As seven was approaching, Freddie started to feel nervous again, and none of his friends failed to notice it. How he wished that time could have stopped, so he wouldn't have to face this difficult situation. But there was no going back now. 

After congratulating his bandmates for their performance today, he simply announced he was going to see Mary, and quickly left the studio. Brian, John and Roger were left alone to wonder about him, again.

"This is going to end up like yesterday..." John said, sighing.

"No, it will be worst." Roger assured, remembering last night. "...They are going to break up for good. You should have seen him this morning."

"What do you mean, this morning?" Brian asked. "He was fine. Well, relatively."

"I mean, this morning, around midnight. When I went home from the bar I found him near the telephone."

"Oh. Did he tell you anything?" John asked.

"No. He must have spoken with Mary. And I was drunk, and I told him stupid things, and he ended up crying on me."

John and Brian frowned at their friend. It wasn't the first time Roger messed up because he was drunk, but he made Freddie cry – although involuntarily – and it was a really bad move.

"Hey, I said I was sorry, I didn't want him to cry!" Roger protested to defend himself. "I just told him that we knew things weren't good between him and Mary, that they were going to break up soon. Don't look at me like that, you know I didn't want to hurt him."

"Yeah, we know. It's just... No, it's the truth." Brian admitted after a sigh.

It was going to be bad. And there was nothing they could do about it.

 

__________

 

Mary was already there when Freddie arrived at the park. As usual, he thought she looked amazing. A smile grew on her face when she noticed him approaching. They were only a few meters between them left when she decided to join him and hug him tightly.

"It's good to see you Freddie." She said in a soft voice.

The smile she was wearing now made her even more beautiful. Freddie smiled too, but his turned bittersweet when he realized he wouldn't see such a smile expressed to him in a long time. He was already missing it.

"It's good to see you too." He replied, hugging her tightly in return.

He felt so good, he could have stayed like this for hours, with Mary in his arms. He wanted it to last as long as possible. Who knew when he would have the opportunity to hug her like that again?

"Freddie..."

There was a bit of worry in her voice. She had noticed the way Freddie hugged her, as if he didn't want to let her go. Gently, she pulled herself away from his arms. He was still smiling, but she could see his pain behind it.

"...Let's just go for a walk, okay?" He asked, leading the way.

Freddie and Mary had spent many hours in this park during these last years. This place was perfect when they wanted to spend some time just the two of them. They used to walk side by side, trying to find a nice spot to spend time together, talking about everything and nothing, their past, the present, their future. Memories from their happy moments, their talks, their kisses vividly came back to Freddie as they were walking. He used to love being here. Now he dreaded the moment they would leave it.

Mary tried calling him a few times, but Freddie seemed so focused on his thoughts he didn't hear any of it. She sighed. Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks.

"It's been going on for too long." He muttered while looking at an old bench nearby.

Before Mary could reply anything, he was already sitting, staring into nothingness. She sat beside him, calling him one more time, without success.

"Freddie, what's wrong?" She asked while putting her hand on his cheek.

This time, her boyfriend reacted. He turned to her and faced her worried look. Slowly, he reached for her hand, which was caressing his face, and took it off, making her slightly frowning. Her touch could not comfort him this time either. Freddie took a deep breath, before exhaling.

"Mary, I... I can't go on with you." He managed to say, pained by every word.

"...What do you mean, Freddie?" She asked, even more concerned.

"I... I can't stay with you anymore. As a boyfriend. Because... I'll... I won't be able to make you happy." He could barely look at her now. "And... d-don't think it's because of you, because you are wonderful Mary, and I care about you a lot, but I'm..."

Freddie stopped. If what he said previously had been hard for him, what would follow would be even worse.

"...As much as I love you, I can't be..." He couldn't say "happy with you anymore". "...There are some things that you can't give me."

_'"There are some things you can't give me". Stop being so vague already and spit the fucking truth ! She deserves to know the full story.'_ His inner voice ordered.

Freddie took a few seconds to collect his thoughts. As much as he didn't want to, there were some important things he had to confess. The intense way Mary was looking at him wasn't helping.

"I had you, Mary. I thought no one else could come between us. But I started to feel different towards..."

_'No, not "towards some people". Be blunt, dumbass.'_

"I started looking at men. For a bit too long. I started to feel interested in them. I... kissed some. And I thought "what the fuck am I doing?!" but at the same time I realized that I felt really attracted. I didn't want to stop. I even wanted to go further. And when I was with you, it just... wasn't the same anymore."

That was it, he told her. Finally.

Now that it was done, Freddie wanted nothing but evaporate in the air. But he would only stay here on this bench, bracing himself for Mary's reaction. He was expecting many things. She could be angry, disgusted, she could laugh at him, or she could hit him. After a few seconds of silence, none of this happened, as she took his hands into hers, looking at him in a rather soft way.

"Freddie, thank you for being honest with me."

He didn't know what to say. He didn't think it would go this well.

"Well, I admit I don't like the fact that you went to kiss some guys behind my back." She confessed, slightly frowning. "But I'm not angry at you for liking men. I just wished you'd have told me about it sooner."

"I didn't..." He was still taken aback by her calm reaction. "I didn't want to hurt you..."

"Freddie, I know you meant well but lying wasn't a good idea. You were just making yourself unhappy by staying with me while you weren't attracted to me anymore. And you made me believe in things that weren't there anymore."

Freddie knew very well Mary was telling nothing but the truth. Still, it hurt to hear that he had done more harm than good with keeping it a secret. He hated making her not happy.

"I'm sorry Mary, if I didn't-"

"Freddie, don't ever feel sorry because we can't be happy together anymore." She told with a serious but soft voice, tightening her grip on his hands. "I... I still love you very much, and it's hard for me to hear this. But, if you're happier with another person, then be it. I'll accept it."

"...I don't want another person." Freddie said in a sad voice. "Mary, you're the most important to me. You are... I'll never find someone like you again."

"Don't say that Freddie, I know you will find someone who will love you and who will make you happy." She assured with a smile.

"But it'll never be like with you..."

Mary noticed that tears had appeared at the corner of Freddie's dark beautiful eyes, and she gently wiped them with her finger. She had got emotional herself, and seeing him this sad wasn't helping.

"Freddie, I... Try not to think about me too much... I know, it won't be easy." She was pretty much asking the impossible. "I'll still be here for you, even if we're not together anymore."

"I know, it's just... I wanted to be happy with you, Mary."

She didn't know what to respond. Freddie hearing the truth – that it would never happen – from her voice would crush his heart even more. She wanted to tell him that she would have wanted nothing but being happy with him too. But he probably knew it, and didn't need a reminder that it would still not happen. What could she say that wouldn't hurt him, if that was even possible ?

"Freddie, I-"

"I'll miss you a lot. But I'll... t-try to get over you." Freddie managed to say, although it was obvious it was paining him to pronounce the last words.

"You will. And you'll find yourself a wonderful guy." Mary added with a smile that she wanted to be encouraging.

Saying it was one thing, believing in it was another, and believing in it fully was a whole other thing. But if Mary told it, it would happen. He would fall in love with someone else, and be happy with them. Mary would be happy for him. Not that any of it would be quick, and even less easy.

After looking for some time at each other, trying not to cry, Freddie and Mary shared a long hug. The last of a kind, which marked at the same time the end of their time as a couple, and the dawn of a new chapter in their lives. Which neither of them were really ready to write.

"See you soon, Freddie."

"...See you soon, Mary."

Pulling away from his embrace, she gave him one last sweet smile before getting up. Freddie wasn't entirely sure, but he thought he saw tears in her pretty eyes. He watched her walking away from him until he couldn't see her anymore. At this moment, he felt terribly alone. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Freddie. Can anybody find him somebody to love ;) ?


	3. Thinking About Things...

When he tried to open their front door, Freddie noticed it was locked. He knocked, without getting any responds. As he got his key out, he heard several persons walking towards him.

"Oh, Freddie, you're back. Good timing, could you open the door please? " John asked, holding two bags of groceries. "It's a bit heavy."

"Next time Roger you carry more things. Those damn bags are sawing my hands." Brian grumbled.

"But I'm carrying things !" The blonde said, carefully holding some bottles.

"Ah yes, your precious alcohol." Brian rolled his eyes. "I know it's made of glass but no need to hold them like they're your babies."

"Last time you carried them you broke the vodka bottle !" Roger replied, remembering the horrible crime.

"You should have thanked me, considering it tastes like shit but you can still drink it like water."

"Are you insinuating I'm just an alcoholic then?"

"Maybe."

"Guys." John called from the inside. "You plan on staying in the hallway for the night?"

While they were bickering, John already had filled the fridge. Brian and Roger entered, Brian talking about considering getting less drunk and Roger answering something like "Yes Mom" as he placed the precious bottles in the right cupboard, making John smile in amusement.

As for Freddie, he was sitting on their couch, thinking. He would have liked to be alone for a moment, before he'd have to explain himself to his friends. Having some time to reflect about his break up with Mary and things linked to his new sexuality would have been appreciated. Though being alone probably could have meant crying again, and Brian, John and Roger entering on him crying would have been the last thing he would have wanted to happen.

"Freddie." John called softly, sitting next to him. "You alright? "

"...For now." He told eventually, shrugging.

"Maybe you'd prefer us leaving?"

"...No, I have to tell you about it anyway."

"If it's about Mary, we thought about it already. No need to hurt yourself bringing it up." John assured, considerate as always.

"...There's something else I want to tell you. It's important."

Freddie got up and went to sit at the dining room table. John had no idea what he was talking about, but he didn't like how serious it looked right now. He hoped it would be nothing grave.

As for Brian and Roger, they were still in the kitchen, arguing again. Apparently Roger wasn't fond of the idea of eating vegetables today. Well, if he didn't like the idea of eating green, he could actually make the dinner himself, like Brian suggested. Unfortunately, preparing food really wasn't his cup of tea, and how he survived sharing a flat with Freddie for years was still a wonder, given that both of them had very limited cooking skills. Before Roger could reply anything, John appeared in the room, telling them they would have to report that conversation.

Soon enough, the four were at the table. Freddie had now three attentive looks at him, but he didn't feel nervous. Just strangely empty, as if his conversation with Mary drained all his emotions.

"...I'd like to avoid you any bad surprises. So I'm saying it now. I'm attracted to men." He announced, looking towards them but at no one in particular.

He surprised himself with how calm he sounded, considering how difficult it had been to tell Mary. Then again, she was his beloved precious girlfriend, and he confessed cheating on her. Their relationship would end because he wasn't attracted anymore, although Mary still loved him very much. They wouldn't be happy together anymore. On top of that, he pretended everything was fine with her when it wasn't.

Their relationship meant so much, and he ended it. He only feared her reaction. But she didn't get angry at him. She felt sad for letting him go, but she wished for him to be happy with someone new.

_'Mary didn't hate me and she even accepted my situation. That's the most important. I'm ready for whatever comes next.'_ He thought.

Silence filled the room. John and Roger were simply looking at him, both making an "ah." face after a few seconds. Brian seemed to be in deep thoughts, staring at his hands.

_That's it?'_ Freddie frowned. _'I didn't exactly expected outbursts, but... not reactions this calm either.'_

"...I suppose that's why you and Mary..." John started hesitantly.

Freddie nodded, then noticed Roger had an unsure look on his face. "You wanna ask me something Roger ?"

"...Is there, uh, someone already ?"

"...Not even. I kissed several guys and I haven't even found someone ! At least..." He sighed. "At least cheating on Mary would have got me somewhere instead of just..." He sighed again, his face showing guilt.

"Fred, we know you didn't want to hurt her. Sometimes discovering yourself brings unpleasant things, but it's better to realize and accept things have changed than lying to yourself and others. Even if it hurts."

Freddie didn't know what to reply. John always seemed to have something wise to say. He then told if kissing meant you'd pursue a relationship, Roger would have a lot of serious commitment problems, which brought a smile on his face as the blonde sent him a nasty look.

"Anyway, know that it doesn't matter, Fred." John told with a smile. "It doesn't change anything between us."

"Same for me." Roger added, equally smiling.

It could be his imagination, but Freddie swore he heard Brian mumbling something under his breath.

He honestly expected more questions, but he was glad his friends didn't made his still-not-entirely-defined sexuality a big deal. They were so wonderful, he felt grateful and lucky to have them.

"Thank you darlings, you're amazing." He said affectionately.

"Uh, changing the subject... I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to get hungry." Roger said.

"Hey, that could be a good opportunity for you to learn to cook." John proposed. "Brian and I won't always be here, you know. And everyone should know how to cook at least basic things."

"...You want me to make the dinner?" The blonde asked, his eyes opening bigger, as if it was an unreasonable request. "You live dangerously."

"Oh come on Roger, there's gotta be something you can cook." John chuckled at the blonde's answer.

"You trust him too much Deaky." Freddie assured, knowing from experience. "Although, if he tries really hard, I guess he could manage to make some decent cheese on toast." He added with a smile.

"As if you could do better, twit. If we had to count on you to make dinner we would have more luck finding good food in a bin." Roger replied with a smirk.

"Trust me, I know that without Brian and John we would have been starving corpses by now."

"...Well, it looks like both of you need some cooking lessons. How about you start today? You could make an omelet." John suggested, heading towards the kitchen. "That's not difficult."

"...If you want." Roger shrugged, following him.

"But John, you don't want to know what happened the last time we tried cooking an egg." Freddie added, getting up as well.

 

__________

 

"See guys, I told you you'd manage to cook something good!"

Freddie and Roger took a look at the dinner. They were not convinced, despite John's encouraging smile and the fact that the omelets actually looked like omelets, unlike the last time they tried to cook one.

"Darling, that's nice, but I wouldn't call our weirdly shaped mix of ingredients "something good"." Freddie said with doubt while starting to cut the food. "It's the most basic thing. We didn't even put anything extra in it."

"Fortunately." Roger declared. "We could have actually end up putting sugar in it. Plus I'm sure it tastes horrible."

"No really, your omelet tastes good!" John assured, chewing with appetite.

"John, it might be a trap. It could taste good now but don't be surprised if you end up vomiting later."

"...It's incredible how you are so confident with your music skills, which are much harder to master, but when it comes to cooking you don't have any trust in yourselves." John noted. "You deserve to be encouraged because you know you can do good. You even have proof in your plates ! Brian, I'm sure you agree with me."

The guitarist looked up at John, then at Freddie and Roger. Judging from his face he didn't seem as convinced as John about their cooking skills.

"...I admit that for once they cooked something decent. I'm impressed." He finally opened his mouth. "Although it lacks salt. And it would have been better with mushrooms. And..." He noticed John's "don't be like this" look. "...Anyway, thank you for not poisoning us."

The bassist frowned. Why couldn't he say nice things for once? Freddie and Roger still appreciated the compliment nonetheless. As John said, the omelets were good. Obviously no top-notch omelets, but it was a hopeful start, for two people who couldn't even boil an egg.

The dinner continued for a bit with some more chatter about food, cooking and other things. It was undeniable to the rest of the band that Freddie felt better than the last days, where he had barely talked during meals. He was back to his happy and outgoing self, and it was appreciated. As if the break up with Mary never happened. Although, John noticed that Brian talked less than usual.

After the dinner, Roger left to go to the bar. He had a thing going on with the girl he met the day before – didn't mean it would last, it was a cyclic event that would usually repeat itself every few days. He didn't tell it loud, given how he still felt Freddie could be sensitive to this, but the singer wished for him to have fun, even winking at him.

_'He seemed to have got over it...What if it was just a facade though?'_ John was pensive. _'Maybe he wants us to think he's good, when he would break down the moment he'd be alone. I don't think he could get over Mary that easily. She means so much for him.'_

He then noticed the curly hair mass of Brian pocking out from the couch, where he has been sitting for a few minutes now. As he approached, he saw the same face he wore during the dinner, when he had moments where he seemed to have his thoughts focused on something in particular.

"Brian, something's worrying you ?" John eventually asked, sitting next to him. No response from his part. "...It's about Freddie, am I right?"

Hearing the name of his friend, Brian suddenly got he has been talked to. He looked at John for a few seconds, then had a semblance of smile. Of course, he had noticed something was off. He was always so perceptive. Then again, it was true that it was odd he had stayed silent after Freddie announced he was attracted to men. No wonder John had some questions about it.

"Nothing escapes you, huh." He sighed. "There is something that has been bothering me, after what he said. I would have liked to ask him a certain question, but he seems to do good for now, and... I'm not sure it's a, uh, necessary question." He looked slightly uncomfortable.

"...What do you mean?" John questioned, curious.

"...I'm afraid it would make him think about... things he may not have preferred to think about." Brian told after searching for the right words.

Now John really wanted to know what he had in mind. But before he could ask Brian about it, Freddie appeared from behind, his arms on the back the couch, making them turn towards him.

"Hey dears, what are you talking about?"

The bassist and the guitarist glanced at each other. For a very short time, Brian felt conflicted about whether he should talk about what's been in his mind. It wasn't an innocent question, it would have consequences, they could be bad, and Brian really didn't want it to torment him. As the same time, he felt it was something that should be talked about eventually. It was now or never.

"...We were talking about you." He declared after a few seconds.

"Ooh. Any secrets I should know?" Freddie asked with a playful smile.

"...Actually... I'd... like to discuss something with you."

"Darling, that face of yours looks like bad news." Freddie noted while frowning. "But I'm all ears!"

He joined the two on the couch. Brian was about to kindly ask John to leave, but he had already got up, an understanding look in his eyes.

_'I should give them some space. Brian looks uncomfortable enough, it will be easier if I'm not here.'_

"I'll be in our room, if you need me or anything." John let them know, before leaving the two of them alone, hearing an "Okay!" from Freddie.

The room door closed, leaving Brian and Freddie in silence. No backing out now. Brian tried to relax, without really managing to do so. Freddie's smile disappeared as he noticed it.

"Brian, are you okay?" He asked softly, leaning closer. "You look like you have an awful lot on your mind."

"...Can't say it's not true." The guitarist admitted with a very small smile.

"So, what did you want to discuss with me?"

Brian took a deep breath, finally calming himself, but only for a bit. He took a few seconds to gather the appropriate words, before locking his eyes on Freddie's, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was a heavy sigh.

"... I don't think asking you is a good idea."

"Asking what, dear? I can't say if you're too vague about it." Freddie put an encouraging hand on Brian's shoulder. "Anyway, you threw yourself into it, so you have to continue."

"...It's... about what you said. Being attracted to men."

Brian was trying hard not to look away. Freddie raised a brow.

_'Now that I think about it, he didn't say a thing after I confessed. And he has been unusually silent after. He would have said it right away if he had a problem with that... No ?'_

It would explain why he stayed silent, even if Freddie didn't like that perspective.

"...Does that makes you uncomfortable ? Knowing that I like men ?" He asked, a slight worry in his voice.

"...Oh, no no no! I don't have any problem with that!" Brian quickly assured. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, it's true I haven't told you I was okay with that like John and Roger."

He wrapped his arms around Freddie, hugging him.

"I'm proud of you. You love whoever you love, who cares about the gender. It doesn't make you less of a person and I'll fight anyone who'd dare say the contrary." He said protectively.

"T-Thank you, dear." Freddie felt his heart warm.

He didn't expect the hug, but he welcomed it gladly. They stayed like this for a few seconds before Brian slowly pulled apart, feeling much better. He knew he still had to tell Freddie about his question, and the sooner the better.

"It's just... I probably thought a bit too much in my head." He declared with half a smile.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... Yesterday, when you came back, you took a moment to look at us. We didn't know why. I thought that it looked like you were waiting for a reaction. And... when you told you were attracted to men, I thought about that again, and suddenly it made sense in my head."

It didn't take long for Freddie to understand what Brian was implying, as a shade of blush coloured his cheeks.

_'He... We're thinking about the same thing, right? F-Fuck, what do I say to him?!'_ He was starting to panic.

"I-I'm not... I don't... W-What do you have in mind?" It was his turn to be uncomfortable.

"...You may have thought about us. In a romantic way, I mean. And you looked at us that way yesterday to see if you felt anything for us." Brian calmly explained. "Am I right?"

A few seconds of silence passed.

"...I'd be lying if I said no..." Freddie muttered, looking away. "...I shouldn't have anyway..."

"Freddie, don't say that." Brian put his hand on the singer's shoulder. "I understand you seeing us that way-"

"Brian, please, what good would it make?!" Freddie replied abruptly, turning towards him. "That'd be a dead end. None of you are into men. I can't-"

He stopped suddenly. Before going where he didn't want to. Although he may have said too much already. Brian had slightly lean back, caught out by his reaction. Freddie bite the inside of his cheek, his dark eyes shying away from his friend. He reacted too strongly not to be interested.

"...You can't what, Freddie?" Brian asked in a patient voice.

_'You and your bloody mouth. Though your silence could speak even louder. Clever as he is, he's going to interpret things, you know.'_ His inner voice noted. _'Maybe he's thinking about it now.'_

Freddie tried hard to think about what he could say, but there wasn't anything that would come to his mind. Anything that wouldn't solidify things he didn't want Brian to think about, that is. It may be too late for that already. While he was working himself over it, he felt his friend's gentle touch on his arm. Looking up, he saw inquietude and guilt eating his face.

"Don't be sorry Brian, I'm just a fucking mess that can't handle anything." Freddie had a miserable smile.

He opened his mouth to reply but Freddie immediately stopped him, holding his hand up. He had to say something. Even if he had no idea what Brian got from his words. More than enough probably.

_'I see now why he didn't want to ask me.'_

"It's just... I don't know." He eventually let out after a sigh. "It's complicated."

That was probably the most neutral thing the singer could say about himself. An uncomfortable silence surrounded them. Although Freddie told him not to be sorry, guilt was lurking around in Brian's mind. Maybe it was time to give Freddie some space, as their conversation made him think a lot already and he didn't want his friend to sink more into unsure things he was still trying to figure out.

"...Do you want me to leave?" The guitarist asked.

"...Oh, no need to." Freddie slowly got up from the couch, stretching. "I'm going to drown myself in the shower. Good night Brian. Tell Deaky I wish him a good night too."

He couldn't help but mentally curse his friend for his damn question as he rapidly headed towards the bathroom. Though he knew deep down it wasn't Brian's fault, he had the right to ask about his actions and he was the only one to blame for the poor way he handled it.

_'I just overreacted. He took me by surprise, and I didn't really know what to say.'_ He told to reassure himself.

Freddie let out a sigh after closing the bathroom door, surrounded by an intimate silence. After this delicate conversation, finally having some time alone was more than welcomed. He would simply get himself a nice moment, relax under warm water and leave behind everything told between Brian and him.

Starting to undress, he caught his reflection in the mirror placed above the sink. No red eyes caused by crying or a miserable pained expression tonight. After staring for a bit, he certainly looked a lot better than yesterday, or even the days before. He even dared smiling, but avoided looking at the mirror longer. He had the tendency to feel really down after looking at his reflection these days.

_'I won't cry tonight.'_

Freddie quickly finishing undressing, before stepping into the shower and turning on the water. A "feels good" escaped his lips, a pleasant sensation taking over him as the warm water traveled along his body.

Unfortunately, as the human mind can be very easily overtaken by thoughts and doubt, his conversation with Brian came back to his mind. It seems peace wouldn't come for him tonight.

_'What did he even get from what I said? I haven't said... Pff, what haven't I said?!'_ He grumbled, remembering his reactions. _'I admitted I've thought about my best friends romantically, and...'_

Funny how Brian was more okay about it than Freddie himself. He did thought about this after his friend confessed liking men. To him, it wasn't a surprise, considering they were very close, they spend a lot of time together and they got along very well, even if quarrels were unavoidable sometimes. A good environment to develop feelings, such as friendship, of course. But it is known that love can flourish anywhere with anyone, and to Brian, even if John, Roger and him were only friends with Freddie, anything could happen, now that the singer had accepted his attraction to men.

_'...He didn't think it was a bad thing. "I understand you seeing us that way". Oh, Brian...'_

Then again, the guitarist didn't know exactly what went through his friend's mind. Although, from his strong reactions, he saw he was still conflicted and unsure about these thoughts. But what Freddie hated the most was their effect on him.

He could hate it as much as he wanted, but something had happened. It wasn't strong, but it happened. And deny it would be... an option, that Freddie liked for now. It was easier that way.

_'It's not much. It's just a little thing that doesn't mean I...'_ He sighed in frustration.

He admitted, he looked at him. Maybe a bit too extensively not to be...

_'No, it's just because you'd be blind not to find him damn good-looking, seriously, everyone look at him. It doesn't mean anything more.'_ Someone was trying hard to convince themselves. _'I'm still figuring out. It's a normal thing to look at people when you're figuring out.'_

It seems the little embarrassing but indubitable thing that Freddie definitely felt would stay in a corner, and would stay a small thing that didn't mean much. For now anyway.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing about the complexity of feelings can be hard. No, it's hard, but I like the challenge


	4. Struggling With Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is sufficiently self-explanatory

As much as the book he was currently reading was interesting, John’s attention shifted to Brian as soon as he saw him enter their room. The puzzled look the guitarist had on his face spoke loud enough to make him wonder about the difficulty of what has been said with Freddie. 

“...Everything’s okay?”

Brian thought for a short moment. John had left before he could learn anything, so naturally he was curious. But what he had to say wasn’t exactly light. Then again, his friend could be trusted with delicate subjects. He decided ultimately that it wouldn’t hurt to share what he got from his conversation with the singer. 

“You remember how Freddie looked at us when he came back home yesterday?”

This scene was still clear in John’s head. “Yeah. ...I suppose you asked him why?”

“...Actually, I already had an idea. I... confronted Freddie about it, and I got confirmation… Well he didn’t exactly admit it, but Freddie… had thought about us, as… more than friends.” 

John’s eyes went slightly more opened, staying silent. Brian tried to guess what was on his mind, but as always, his friend was impossible to decipher, while he could read others like an open book. 

“...I suppose it didn’t stop there.” He said after a moment in a neutral tone.

“...When I talked with him about it, I got the impression he regretted doing that.” Brian marked a few seconds of silence. “He was slightly aggressive, he told “it’d be useless, none of you were into men, I can’t” and then he stopped. The last thing he told me about it was “I don’t know, it’s complicated”.” 

John took a moment to think about it, then looked up at Brian, exchanging words with their eyes. 

_‘...Sounds to me like he felt something for one of us.’_

Once again, it could mean not much. But it could be the beginning of a crush, and above all, could develop and transform into a deeper attraction. 

“...Freddie could fall in love with one of us.” Brian eventually dropped. 

Nothing was certain for now, but John and him felt these words being carved in a part of their mind. 

Freddie in love with someone else than Mary. It felt almost surreal. At least it has been, a few weeks earlier. Now it was a possibility, and more importantly, one of them could be the chosen one. The lucky one?

Neither Brian nor John could really project themselves in the future. Maybe nothing would happen, and they would forget it eventually as Freddie would find love with someone else. Maybe.

But if they happened to be the one Freddie could fall for... neither of them knew what they would do. As for Roger… they preferred not to think about it for now.

The two decided to leave it here for the night. Time only would reveal soon enough if this little thing would flourish or perish. 

 

__________

 

In the mean time, life still had to go on. Last year, their album A Night At The Opera had got them brand new recognition among the world of music. There had been some inevitable critics, but people loved Queen, and whatever critics did say, Bohemian Rhapsody has been a number one hit. Queen had been more successful than ever, and the four knew they would not disappoint their fans with their new album still in progress, A Day A The Races. And no more greedy shark as a manager that would not recognize his fault but would still sue them for Death On Two Legs, this time they would actually get the rightful amount of money they deserved from their passionate hard work. 

It seemed like an ordinary day, another one of playing and composing songs, was waiting for them at the studio. Except that as soon as they arrived, Freddie rushed to his piano and started playing, engulfing himself in the music before Brian, John or Roger could even put a finger on their own instruments. He could use all the hard work he could get to put the late events out of his mind. His brown eyes were betraying his lack of sleep, but he didn’t care, they had an album and masterpieces to compose and nothing could be able to stop him.

Not even the break up with Mary. Him admitting he liked men. And even less this tiny little thing that was lurking inside him, affecting him like a microbe. Some microbes are beneficial to the body, but right now, the singer viewed it as nothing but a parasite. And parasites make your like harder.

He had declared yesterday that he wouldn’t cry tonight. And he didn’t. But he wasn’t left in peace either, constantly tormented by his words to Mary and Brian. Yes, ending his relationship was the best decision to take, for both of them. But despite the encouraging words from his ex-girlfriend, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he hurt her, how she would have to let him go and see him fall in love with someone else while she still had strong feelings for him. He felt like he let her down. And the tears he was certain he saw in her eyes as she was leaving the park made him feel even more bad. 

As for his talk with Brian, it had been the icing on the unwanted cake.

“...Freddie?” He heard someone call him over the sound of the piano.

His fingers stopped their intense dance on the keys, and the singer turned to face his friend. John had to call him four times before he got his attention.

“...Please, don’t work yourself too hard.” The bassist told in a soft but concerned voice.

He didn’t really know what else to add, so he offered his friend a smile and a comforting hand on his shoulder. Freddie stayed silent for a moment. John didn’t say anything else, which surprised him. Not that the bassist has the habit of being talkative, but it didn’t feel like his usual on point comforting talk. 

Then a thought crossed his mind. _‘ He must know. Of course Brian have told him. Great.’_

As his mouth was still tensed, an annoyed breath escaped from his nostrils. He felt John’s hand slightly shift on his shoulder, and realised he didn’t exactly send signs of calming down. No need to be unpleasant towards John, it wasn’t his fault. Plus, given how his friend was good at detecting things, they would have had this talk eventually. Still, he would have preferred to tell him by himself, rather than from someone who couldn’t truly understand what went though his head.  
Then again, even Freddie couldn’t truly understand it either.

_‘...I just hope whatever Brian said, it’s...’_

He couldn’t finish his sentence. He looked back to the bassist, who was still showing concern. And he couldn’t see it, but Brian and Roger were looking at him in a slight worry too. 

“...Okay. I’ll try.” The singer sent his friend a small smile. “I’ll be fine, dear.”

John was convinced neither by his smile nor his tone, but he let it flow anyway.  
Slowly, the hours passed, as a myriad of notes from several songs in progress filled the studio. Music should have been his only concern, as Freddie did so much to focus on the music he has been practically sweating concentration. He was always very keen on things being on spot, so much than every note which wouldn’t be oozing perfection shouldn’t be played. It was worse when he was in bad mood, with his level of patience for non-perfect things lowering drastically. The singer hadn’t earned the title of hysterical queen for nothing.

So Brian, John and Roger were even more careful than usual, knowing too well how tiny mistakes were horrible disasters that could quickly led to another thing that was a part of the studio life : quarrels. Some could be minor and forgotten in five seconds, some would need hours to completely get over them. They were mostly vocal, with some threats, but the studio had seen a few times where things got very close to be physical. 

Fortunately, none of them played a single wrong note today.

Although they stayed silent about yesterday’s events, talking during their few breaks about ideas for their songs, food, anything else, it was more than ever present in the singer’s thoughts as they decided to end the day, given it was 8 already and they all needed a well-deserved rest.

“You’ve all been amazing darlings.” Freddie sent his bandmates an affectionate smile. “As always, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

He felt terribly annoyed. Annoyed that this damn little thing, no, parasite, never really left his mind and that he had to reveal it to someone when he would have rather bury it deep, deep down anywhere. It made it more real, gave it more importance that he would have wanted to and he wouldn’t have been such a mess today if it never existed. On this outside he was smiling, but his voice gave away the fact he still had something heavy on his mind. None of his friends failed to catch it, and Brian couldn’t help but feel a little guilty again. 

Noticing that John and Roger had got out to take a smoke – ugh, how he hated tobacco and its atrocious smell, he took the opportunity to have a talk with his friend, whose fingers were strolling on the piano’s keys, his soft look staring into space. He looked so peaceful under the appeasing power of music.

“Fred...” He called, and the singer turned towards him. “...I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

“Brian stop.” Freddie cut him, his fingers lingering on the keys. “What’s done is done. No need to talk about it.”

“But, if I-”

“Please.” He left the piano and got closer to him, locking his eyes into his friend’s. “...It’s onto me, and me alone. My… whatever the fuck happened happened. Even if you didn’t talk about it it still would...” 

He looked away, a mix of annoyance and melancholy afflicting his handsome face. No matter how much he hated it, this damn little parasite was there, in him, he didn’t know since when it was there, but it was enough. Brian’s words simply made it snap out of its dormant state sooner than he would have wanted to. 

It has been hard enough for the singer to realise he liked men, accept it, while he was still with Mary. He broke up from a relationship that lasted for years, with a girl he still felt very attached to – but not attracted. And to top it all, he had felt something towards one of his best friends – who, to his knowledge, certainly wasn’t into men. Brian understood why he was reluctant to these new feelings to which he didn’t want to give a proper name. 

He just wished he would have been able to do something to help him.

 

__________

 

The ride home was quiet. At least for Brian, John and Freddie, since Roger was driving alone in his beloved car, singing and having a blast with whatever good song was on the radio. Brian was also driving alone, also listening to the radio but certainly not singing his head off like the drummer. Freddie preferred being the passenger. He wasn’t fond of driving, being used to walking or taking a cab or even the bus. Fortunately John didn’t mind driving, and he was a very conscientious driver, like Brian... unlike Roger.

Usually, Freddie loved to have a chat during the ride home, even if the drive didn’t last for long. But tonight, no melodious voice to accompany them, only the steady sound of the vehicle running on the road.

“...You’re okay Fred?” John risked the question.

He asked, but he knew that the singer either would pretend to be okay or say nothing at all. He had noticed too well how he looked affected during the day, or when Roger and him entered back after their smoke. It pained him to see his friend that way. Freddie was a ray of sunshine, always present to help or comfort them when they had a problem or they felt down. John just wished he could be able to return the favour.

He heard Freddie sighing. The singer probably realised that he knew about his little thing towards of them, and he still wasn’t in the mood to talk about this. Not that John blamed him. Anything about love and feelings was never a simple and tranquil thing, and the bassist himself have had first-head experience. 

Both stayed silent for the rest of the drive. Fortunately it didn’t take long for them to arrive to their flat, and soon enough they were reunited with Brian and Roger. The guitarist was in the kitchen, preparing the vegetables for the dinner, alone. He had asked Roger to help him but apparently he didn’t have John’s power that convinced him to cook yesterday. At least the blonde had laid the table – only because his friend insisted – before sprawling in the couch. The zapper was right there on the coffee table, but he didn’t want to watch TV tonight. 

He had other plans, involving cheering Freddie up. As it happens, he heard the front door opening, followed by the noise of shoes rubbing against the doormat and the voice of Brian asking John if he could come help him a bit with the dinner. John had started to say something in a mocking tone about the blonde not helping, but he wasn’t listening anymore. His focus was on the singer, who was taking off his jacket.

“Hey Fred.” He walked up to him, wearing a big smile.

The singer slowly put his jacket on the coat rack, glancing at his friend. “...Hey Rog. What’s with the smile?”

“Well… I was wondering if you’d like to go to the club with me tonight. You know, like in the old times.”

As yes, the old times. Oh, the crazy nights doing nothing but drinking and having fun at the bar or the club he had experienced with the blonde. Nights without a care in the world. Just the two of them, a lot of energy and even more alcohol. Roger and him weren’t partying soulmates for nothing. 

The old times. The old times when he was still with Mary. And not thinking about men, yet. The old times where, despite his fondness for the blonde, his beautiful smile wouldn’t make his heart flutter. Yet.

_‘Stop smiling.’_ Freddie pleaded mentally.

It had been bearable at the studio thanks to the music, the fourth art requiring their soul and all their attention. And during the breaks, he had never been alone with him. But now, after his talk with Brian, the damn little parasite had awaken, taking control over his body like he feared it would eventually. And Freddie hated it. 

“I don’t know...” He muttered, avoiding the blonde’s look.

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” The blonde insisted with an enthusiast tone.

He stayed silent. “What about that girl you went to meet yesterday? Weren’t you supposed to...”

Roger had a short moment of hesitation, looking elsewhere. Then his pretty eyes drifted back to Freddie. “Nah, she’s not important. You are. I’d rather spend time with you tonight.”

An inevitable smile made its way on the singer’s face, along with a soft tint of red on his cheeks that he hoped his friend wouldn’t notice. Then he cursed himself for that. If mere words could make him blush, what would he have to endure later, when they would be both under the effect of alcohol? When Roger would eventually leave him and start to get flirty and physical with random girls? 

But the only thing Freddie was thinking about for now was the alcohol. After this last month, all these days where he had to pointlessly pretend that everything was okay, to finish this tragedy on a painful and unhappy note, he could definitely use a drink. A lot of drinks. 

“...Okay. I’ll go with you.” He announced the awaited words.

Roger instantly beamed. “Great! I’m going to change, you should do the same. I can’t wait to go!”

And he quickly disappeared to their room, leaving the singer to realise that his friend probably intended to skip dinner. Not that it bothered him, he wasn’t really hungry, but it was surprising coming from the blonde, who usually would never miss a meal, especially after a day of work. Unless...

“So, you’re out for tonight?” John asked, standing in the kitchen’s doorway.

“Yeah. Don’t expect us for dinner.” Freddie answered, turning to his friend. “Nothing against your cooking dear, I’m sure it would have been delicious.”

“That’s too bad.” John told, an exaggeratedly sad expression on his face. “We put so much effort to prepare that chicory.” 

Freddie’s face fell over when he heard the word “chicory”. No wonder the blonde didn’t want to eat tonight.

“...I take it back, I’m sure it’ll be atrocious.” He grimaced, making John chuckle.

“Well that’s your loss, Freddie.” Brian appeared next to the bassist. “Chicory’s very good, even if Roger says it should be made illegal. I hope one day you’ll be reasonable enough to try it.”

_‘No way ! I’d rather eat haggis. Sorry Bri.’_

“Freddie...”

Brian got closer, putting his hand on his shoulder. He was showing the same concern he had seen though John’s grey eyes earlier today. 

“...Have fun, but… don’t do anything stupid.” He asked softly.

“...What does that mean?” Freddie asked, frowning.

“Don’t think that drinking too much will do any good.” John said in a calm but firm voice.

“...Relax, I wasn’t planning on drowning in alcohol or something.”

Despite what the singer assured, neither Brian nor John looked convinced, which was starting to annoy him. Did they think he was miserable enough to get irresponsible? He was always the one who’d tell Roger to stop and declare it was time to go home. This time would be no different either. 

“Freddiiiie, what the fuck are you doing?!” Roger yelled, still in their room. “Get your arse over there, I won’t wait until midnight!” 

Brian sighed, while John rolled his eyes, chuckling. Since it has been so nicely requested, Freddie left the two to go find the blonde before he grew too impatient and start yelling again like a spoiled child.  
Sit on his hastily made bed, arms crossed, he jumped out of his spot as soon as he saw the door handle move, practically rushing to his friend as he entered the room. 

“Finally! I thought you’d never come!”

The sudden physical closeness startled the singer, who took an extensive look at him. His blue shirt was simple, but was nicely accompanying his beautiful blonde hair. Over it, a black jacket that suited him equally nicely. As for his navy blue trousers, they were perfectly hugging his thin attractive silhouette. What a dreamboat. Nothing unusual here, Roger would always look good, no matter how questionable or ridiculous his clothes could be. Freddie himself was always the first to compliment him on his appearance with a playful smile or take some time to admire his look. Most of the time Roger would even flirt back as a joke.

His gestures towards the blonde had always been friendly, devoid of attraction. Until now. 

This time, he felt something growing inside him. It made him wanting to get awfully closer. Rest his hands on his hips, his fingers moving so he would try to feel his skin under the fabric.

_‘Stop. You shouldn’t want that. You can’t want that. Not towards him.’_ Freddie thought, berating himself.

Roger was his mate, his best friend. Not someone he wanted to… touch like that.

_‘Get a hold of yourself, dammit. You’re not supposed to feel that.’_

“What were you doing anyway?” The blonde’s question snapped him out of his thoughts.

Focusing on the wall so he would avoid staring any longer, he explained that he was simply talking with Brian and John. Roger then went on about how they were too worried, especially the guitarist who would talk like a mother when he felt there was too much alcohol for his liking or when he felt like they should stay away from cigarettes. Ignoring his rant, Freddie searched through the wardrobe, hoping to quickly find clothes he would like to wear, eventually laying hands on a red jacket, a white shirt and black trousers, which would be perfect for the night. 

The only things he needed to do was taking a shower and get dressed. And get away from Roger for a short time.

“I’ll take a quick shower before changing.” He announced. “You think can wait a few minutes more, dear?”

“That better be only minutes.” The blonde told, knowing how the singer liked to take his time to prepare himself.

A few minutes were next to nothing, but Roger didn’t seem to have much patience left and he didn’t feel like trying to bargain. True to his words, Freddie took a lightning shower, which was just what he needed to keep him awake after this day of hard work. Once it was done, he reached for the hairdryer – using a towel would take too much time – and watched his nearly shoulder-length mane getting more and more volume as it dried. He had such magnificent, silky hair. But he couldn’t waste time looking at himself in the mirror right now.

Quickly, he put on the clothes he had chosen, adjusting his jacket on his shoulders. He was good to go. Actually, maybe he could use a little bit of perfume. Smelling nice was something he appreciated. Mary always liked when he put perfume on. It wouldn’t hurt to-

_‘Why ? You’re trying to appeal to someone?’_ A part of his mind asked sarcastically. 

Freddie stopped right in his tracks. He slowly retreated his hand from reaching where the small bottle was, a shameful expression on his face. 

It was useless. Nobody would be here to compliment him on his smell. Or his look. Or anything. After all, he wasn’t getting out to seduce someone, but to drink and have fun. 

That’s what would happen tonight.

 

__________

 

_‘I don’t know if this was a good idea.’_

That was the first thing that crossed Freddie’s mind when they entered the club, overflowing with loud music, people dancing, drinking and probably doing shady stuff in the toilet. The fact that this place was named The Twisted Nerve certainly didn’t help set up a good impression. Roger, on the other hand, was already thrilling with excitement, his pretty face lighting up as his body was already starting to move to the beat rhythm.

“Come on Fred, smile!” He was enthusiast for two. “Don’t tell me you’re not happy to be here?”

It was only now that Freddie was actually realising what could happen. Obviously they would drink, a lot. He would have to fight for the control over his thoughts and his actions as the alcohol mixed with the little parasite inside him would be threatening to make him do things he would regret afterwards.

He had made the mistake of glancing at Roger’s small dance. If he thought he would be strong enough to fight the things the parasite made him feel, it started well : quickly turning away his head was futile, now he found him adorable and wanted to hold him very close.

_‘...Wait… He doesn’t know about- No, probably not. If he knew, he would have said something.’_

Roger seemed unaware of Freddie’s little thing he felt for one of his bandmates. He was immensely glad that neither Brian nor John told him, because he doubted he would have stayed quiet about this like his two friends. He would have been curious about who it could be, or worse, he could have had noticed his blushing or his stare at him and put two and two together. 

_‘...He can’t know. If he knew...’_ Freddie stopped here before pessimistic thoughts invaded his troubled mind.

His brown eyes staring at the ground, he didn’t see how Roger was looking at him. The drummer hated seeing his friend so down and tormented by what he believed to be his break up with Mary. He knew very well how their relationship and Mary was important to him. He still remembered the stars he had in his beautiful eyes the day he talked about marriage proposal. Then things starting to change. The marriage proposal had been brought back on the table once later, but Freddie wasn’t excited like last time, his words being among “this is too early”, “it’s a big decision, we need to really think about it”. Among other details, it became clear to him that their future together wouldn’t last for much longer. And now it was over, and he was suffering from it.

He understood how it could impact Freddie, so sensible behind his confident and strong facade. Though personally, he had yet to experience that kind of break up. Or relationship. 

“Hey.” Roger put his hands on his shoulders, making him look up and meet his soft blue eyes. “Where is the smiling Freddie that I know and love? Come on, give me a big smile!”

The singer barely understood what he said because of the ambient noises. Despite thinking about he couldn’t function right now because Roger was such a sight with his bright look and his sweet face, he managed to show a shy smile. It wasn’t the smile that the blonde hoped, but it was still a smile. Satisfied, he then grabbed him by the sleeve and walked across the flood of people to access to bar. 

Their clothes and bodies brushed many other clothes and bodies. Freddie was glad that people seemed too busy to pay attention to them. 

He couldn’t help but remember the first time he went to that other club, L’Arena, after being back from their tour in Australia. He was still with Mary at that time. Yet she had never seemed so far away as he had exchanged curious glances, a few kisses and even unsure touches with some guys. Things didn’t go further, but that day, something definitely changed in Freddie. Something he fully realised when he had shared an intimate moment with Mary after their reunion. He was still very happy to see her, but when she kissed him, there were no butterflies in his stomach anymore. No pleasant sensations when he hold her close, his hands on her waist. 

He had brushed over that fact. There was no way she couldn’t make him feels things. She was Mary, his sweet Mary. He only wanted her. And certainly not of one those random dudes he “made contact” with before.

“...Fred? Freddie? You’re still here?” A hand rapidly waved before his eyes.

The singer blinked a few times. “...Oh, yes. Sorry Rog, I got… lost in thoughts.”

“Really?” He raised a brow. “Or maybe you saw someone that caught your interest?”

Freddie really wanted to erase the sly grin from the blonde’s pretty face before it made him too embarrassed. A shade of red had already invaded his cheeks and he was thankful for the low lights, because there was no way Roger wouldn’t have continued to tease him if he had noticed it. 

He was all for some drinks, but the bar was pretty crowded and even if he had seen two stools next to each other, he felt like he would be sandwiched between other people. That’s when a small unoccupied table with some comfortable looking seats caught his eyes. It wouldn’t be exactly private, but at least he would have a semblance of intimacy inside this buzzing place. 

Besides, Roger was a real lady magnet, so he hoped that them being a bit isolated from the centre of the club and the bar would lessen the possibility of some girl coming to take him away. If the blonde wouldn’t end up being bored of him and start prowling around to find himself some future company for the night. 

Both cases wouldn’t be good for his heart anyway.

“Rog, you see that table over there?” He pointed the area with his finger. “I decided that we would sit there for now, so I entrust you with keeping our spot while I go get the drinks.”

“...You better get me three beers then.”

“Your wish is my command, darling. Now go! And don’t start betraying me already by going to a pretty girl!”

Freddie saw a giggle appear on Roger’s face as he was walking towards the designated table. He wished he could joke about it too. He had seen him pick up girls faster than he could drink vodka, which means too fast.

_‘...I’m here though… I mean, I could bet some dosh that he’s going to add another girl to his hit list tonight, but he said he wanted to spend time with me...’_

One part of his mind knew that Roger, even if he was a womanizer, was also a friend, his best friend, that cared deeply about him and wouldn’t dump him right now. But Freddie wasn’t willing to take any risks. 

With the three beers, he asked for a glass of champagne. Fortunately, he got served pretty rapidly, and a wave of relief soothed him when he noticed the blonde’s luminous hair over the table he told him to go to. Glancing towards the singer’s direction, he lightly waved at him with a stupid smile on his face when he saw him. Freddie quickly paid, grabbed the drinks and joined him in a hasty pace.

He had only just put the drinks on the table that Roger had already grabbed one beer and drunk half of it.

“Whoah, easy darling! The beer’s not going to go anywhere, you know.” The singer assured.

“Anywhere except my stomach, you mean.” The blonde rectified, before taking another gulp.

“Seriously, what would you do without alcohol Roger? I’m pretty sure you drink more booze than water.”

“Can’t say you’re wrong.” He admitted, his glass nearly empty.

“Actually, I’d even say you drink booze as water.” Freddie added with a grin.

The blonde lightly smacked him on the back, but he couldn’t refute this fact. While his friend had just started his glass, Roger had knocked back one beer already and he was close to tackle the second one. He could almost hear Brian sigh and half-joke about him being a drunken. But he wasn’t a drunken! He simply knew how to have fun, contrary to him, even if Brian argued that drinking a lot couldn’t be fun, it would just give you a hangover.

But they didn’t come here to talk about alcohol or how the guitarist could be old-fashioned sometimes.

“...So, Fred...” Roger was now looking at him in a soft way. Soft, but serious. “I’ve seen, no, we’ve seen today that something affected you, even if we didn’t talk about it.”

Direct, like every time they needed to have an earnest discussion with each other. Freddie wasn’t surprised. He hadn’t fooled Brian nor John, he wouldn’t fool Roger either. He stayed silent, his fingers clinging to his glass, awaiting the next words that would reveal how much he knew.

“...You’re still upset about the break up, right? Look, I can’t really understand what you’re going through, as I’m not in your shoes, but remember that it was the best thing to do, for you and for her.” 

_‘...So he really has no idea.’_ Freddie had a mental sigh of relief. 

Short, honest and clear. Smart Roger. He knew it would hurt his friend more than help him to tell him how it must be difficult, how he understood what he was going through.

Freddie couldn’t tell what he had admitted with reluctance to Brian yesterday. But since the blonde brought up the subject, maybe it was time to put some things clear, and even get really over the matter. 

“...To be completely honest with you…” He took a sip of champagne. “I slept badly tonight because I couldn’t stop thinking about how I probably broke her heart, how she was still in love with me but I would...” He sighed and muttered a “hopefully”. “I would find someone else. I don’t regret the break up, Rog.”

“...But ?” The blonde sensed that he didn’t tell everything.

If he had been more brave, he would have put an end to them the day after they reunited, around a month ago. Maybe it would have been sudden and brutal, but at least he wouldn’t have lead Mary and himself on the ghost of a relationship, gradually suffering to maintain a vain lie for weeks.

“...I guess I didn’t want to face the fact that I wasn’t attracted to her anymore. That I would never be able to truly make her happy. As if… I let her down.” He finally answered, guilt creeping behind its tone.

He had stopped looking at Roger at some point to focus on the content of his glass, still between his fingers. Glass that was suddenly snatched away by an expert hand and put further on the table. Freddie then found himself much closer to the blonde, as he had joined his side. 

“Freddie, you didn’t let her down. You gave her years of happiness and love.” He locked his eyes into his friend’s. “I know Mary is very important to you, but you need to think about yourself too. You are important Fred.” 

Before Freddie could object or refute anything, he warped his arms about him and got him into a tight hug.  
The singer wasn’t prepared for this. 

“And don’t doubt you will find someone. You’re Freddie Mercury, the greatest, most kind, most caring, most wonderful guy I know.” He added with a sweet, comforting voice. “You will find someone who loves you, and I assure you that the man you’ll love will be the luckiest man of this planet.”

Freddie managed to pronounce an unsteady “thank you”, completely overwhelmed between the touching words of his friend, the sensation of his heart trying his best to get out of his chest and the red violently taking over his chiselled cheeks. And a growing desire to hold his pretty face and kiss him tenderly.

Right now, they were out of the world, sharing a heartfelt moment that nobody else could disturb.

Freddie was torn. He still didn’t want to experience this kind of things for Roger. But it felt indubitably good. 

He knew what it could mean. But he reserved the confrontation about hard truths for later.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, this damn chapter is complete. Originally I was even going to write a bit more but I decided to keep the content for the next chapter.
> 
> Also, some times you make the characters you hate suffer, but you make the characters you love suffer/struggle more ? (Totally not foreshadowing or something)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.


	5. What Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally. After more than a month, and many, many hours, finally, the next part is here. To anyone who read this, know that I have every intention of finishing this fiction. It’s just that I have to finish my project for the diploma, and unfortunately, writing fanfiction, as pleasant as it is, won’t get me my degree. From now on I’ll try to use more of my time not spent on working on my project on writing, rather than on Youtube.

Roger’s words greatly helped Freddie to get over his feeling of guilt towards his break up with Mary. They had a beautiful time together that he would always cherish, but now, another person would make their way into his heart and spring feelings.

And after some talks about everything and nothing, and a solid number of gradually stronger drinks, that person had never seem closer. Literally, as Roger stayed sit next to him, and it seemed that the more time passed, the closer he was to end up on the singer’s lap, not that he would have mind, given the dreaming state he was in.

But Freddie would have mind. He hadn’t have a drop of alcohol since a while ago. Precisely since Roger leaned in a bit too much. The way he had grabbed his friend’s jacket and almost pulled him into a passionate kiss – before letting go of him – still haunted his mind.

Fortunately, the blonde had already enough alcohol in his bloodstream not to have a stronger reaction than a confused smile before continuing their conversation as if nothing happened, but it still hit the singer like a truck.

Having thoughts about kissing Roger was one thing, but acting on it was a dangerous next step. He made an actual move. If he hadn’t stopped thanks to whatever miracle, he would have kissed him. And Freddie have had sufficient experiences of the blonde’s hangovers to know that even if he drank a barrel, he seldom forgot anything that happened when he was wasted.

How could he have explained himself when he would have asked the morning after why he kissed him? The “I was drunk” excuse probably wouldn’t work. During all the times they had got hammered together, they did have been even more physical in showing their affection than usual, but Freddie never, never kissed him on the mouth. He would have been pressured to tell the truth : because he had wanted to.

“Freddiiiiie...”

Roger kept such a weirdly soft voice when he was drunk. 

“Let’s dance.” He tugged on his sleeve, pointing his head towards the centre. “Pleeeease...”

Freddie hesitated. The would have to leave their relatively intimate space to launch themselves in this dangerous space full of wild energy, untold desire and many girls. Girls that could easily raise an interest in his friend. But how could he resist his pleading pretty blue eyes and ridiculously adorable pout?

He had barely pronounced “okay” that Roger had got up before dragging him by the sleeve again, this time to the dance floor. The loud music combined to the multiple sources of voices didn’t exactly help set a pleasant sound ambiance, but the blonde didn’t care, throwing funny moves like an energetic child. Freddie couldn’t help but laugh at his over-the-top dance. Seeing his friend that excited even managed to make him dance too.

“Yeah Fred, you got it! Move those legs!” He told enthusiastically.

For an undetermined time, Freddie forgot about his growing feelings for him. He was only having fun with Roger, his best friend and partner in mischief, dancing around like two idiots who drank a lot.

Many people glanced at them, and particularly at the blonde. Freddie didn’t mind, until he noticed him looking longingly back at someone who he couldn’t identify. And his feelings rushed back to his body.

The singer knew that interested look. The look of someone who wanted to go further than eyeing. He had seen it many, many times in his friend’s eyes, but it didn’t soften the blow to his heart.

_‘Of course. He’s a ladies man… He’ll always be a ladies man.’_

“You’re okay Fred?” He heard Roger ask loudly.

Freddie appreciated that at least he had stopped looking at the one who had a high probability to be his future partner for the night to notice he had lost his smile.

“Not really. I’m feeling a bit tired. And this damn music doesn’t help.”

“Yeah, no offense but you look awful. You did have a rough day. Maybe you should go home.”

_‘Maybe you should go home, while I stay here and flirt and get laid with someone that’ll certainly not be you.’_

Freddie knew there was nothing he could do, except leave this place while his heart wasn’t too much damaged. He plainly told he was going to the toilets before letting slip the less enthusiastic “have fun” he had ever wished to someone. He barely heard the “see you tomorrow” Roger gave him as a response, walking quickly towards the restrooms, almost bumping into some people. The less time he would spend here, the better. 

As he was about to enter the men’s room, he felt something suddenly clinging to his arm.

“Hey.” That voice definitely wasn’t Roger’s.

He turned to face a young woman, who was obviously trying to seduce him, as she was fluttering her eyelashes, flashing him a smile that would probably make a lot of men melt. But Freddie couldn’t care less. She looked like the type of girl that Roger would have a hook-up with, which made her even more of a nuisance.

“I’m not interested.” He flatly let out, hoping she would get away.

“Aw, come on.” She pressed her body against his side. “I’m sure we could have a great time together.”

Freddie found her wink to be very annoying. And her cleavage was a completely useless weapon – even if he had no doubt others would have drooled before it. Of all the single men that were here tonight she had to bother the one who would never have plan to have a relationship with a woman anymore. She could get naked in front of him, he wouldn’t bat an eye. She wasn’t Roger. Roger was much more attractive than she could ever be.

“Drop it. It could never work between us anyway.” He assured, trying to stay polite.

“And why is that?” She inquired, raising a brow.

“Simple, dear. You have nothing between your legs.” He retrieved his arm from her grip. “Good evening.”

Not waiting for her reaction, Freddie rushed inside, quickly locking himself inside one of the stalls. It didn’t smell good, but whatever, he didn’t plan on staying here for the night to get hit on by another girl or see the man he had feelings for fly away with someone else anyway.

Fortunately, when he left the men restroom, the girl wasn’t there anymore. Good riddance. Now all he had to do was leave this place and get some well-deserved rest at home, away from all the obnoxious music and these chatting and flirting people. He got past a couple who was snogging in a corner, hoping he wouldn’t face this kind of scene with the blonde and his random bird for the night. 

Unfortunately, his fears came true.

Neither alcohol, the ambient dim light or any people could hide the recognizable silhouette of Roger, standing at the bar, looking at someone. He was smiling to some unknown girl, Freddie couldn’t hear what they were talking about but their giggling was still there, hurting. He was close to her. Too close. He had one hand on her hip, leaning seductively as his other hand was caressing the girl’s hair, then moved to her slightly blushing face.

His heart was aching. 

Then Roger took her chin between his thumb and his index, leaning even closer. Freddie quickly looked away to protect his affected eyes and heart, walking as fast as he could towards the exit. It would be cold outside, but it would be still more bearable than to witness what he knew would happen next with his friend. 

 

__________

 

Home sweet home.

Even if he tried his best to be as silent as possible, their flat door still made far too much noise for his liking. No way he could take refuge in his room without being spotted on by John or Brian if they were in the kitchen or the living room. As it happens, he heard some close footsteps.

“Oh, you’re back-”

Brian’s gentle voice died in his throat when he saw his friend. Did he really look that miserable?

Freddie sloppily removed his shoes, keeping his eyes away from his friend, before heading straight to his room and closing the door. This time, he turned on the lights ; the dark in the room reminded him too much of the club. But then, he was remembered that he was sharing this room. The opposite bed had stayed untouched yesterday, and would most probably stay empty today. The painful image of Roger about to kiss that unknown girl flashed in his mind. Her bed had a high chance of being where the blonde would end up tonight.

A few years ago, when they were less known and their pockets almost devoid of money, the four of them decided to move in this flat. It was relatively well-situated in the city, in a decent state, but most importantly, cheap. It only had two rooms, but fortunately big enough for two occupants, and none of them minded to share, in their excitement of starting a new life together. Plus Freddie and Roger really liked the perspective of finally living in a place where they wouldn’t freeze their arse off because of the poor heating. At the time, it was the best for their situation of young rock stars-in-progress. And despite all their quarrels and bickers, they got used to their limited living space. It never went bad enough to make them want to move in elsewhere to have more space for themselves – not that they would necessarily have had the money for that anyway.

Freddie loved sharing a room with Roger, his best friend. But his unrequited feelings for him would certainly make sharing a room much less pleasant now.

Slowly, Freddie put the cover neatly over the mattress. It reminded him less of Roger this way. He then went to sit on his bed, crossing his arms around his legs. The silence around the room was much appreciated after that damn deafening club music, only disrupted by his breath. He stayed like this for a short time, before hearing a soft knock on the door. He didn’t respond. Eventually, the door opened, and he heard Brian calling his name. 

He probably looked miserable, and Freddie hated to appear that way to others. At the same, he wanted nothing but his friend’s company. He slowly let his arms rest at his sides, his legs now dangling over the bed. Brian certainly could comfort him with soft words, or gestures, or even his mere presence. 

The guitarist was at the door, hesitating to say something. “...Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“No.” Freddie’s response was immediate, although in a low voice. “...Please.”

Brian felt a pang in his heart. His “please” sounded so weak. As if seeing him this affected didn’t make him want to help his friend enough. He went to sit by his side, leaving a very small space between them. 

“...What’s wrong, Freddie?” He asked softly, putting his hand on his shoulder. 

Actually, he had a little idea about why the singer was looking so down, but he decided to stay silent about it.

As he was watching his friend attentively, he noticed the way he grit his teeth, as something heavy was weighing on his dark eyes. He blinked quickly to prevent tears from appearing, breathed in slowly, and a sigh eventually escaped his mouth. It pained Brian to see him that way.

“...I’m in love with Roger.” Freddie practically whispered, before going silent again.

So he was right. “...Fred, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“...Brian, he’s my best friend. He’s straight. He likes women. I’m not a woman. There’s no chance of anything romantic happening between us.” His tone wasn’t harsh, but awfully sad to hear.

The guitarist didn’t know what to reply. He wished nothing but to comfort his friend, but what could he say to counter these cold facts without aggravating Freddie’s sorrow anyway?

While he tried to think about it, Freddie turned towards him, lightly putting his fingers on his arm. Brian now had a clear view of his friend’s eyes, and it was breaking his heart. He always had such beautiful brown chocolate eyes, which would radiate life and warmth. Now they were only full of sadness. 

“...Could you hug me?” His voice was low and hesitating. 

Brian didn’t need any more words. Quickly enough, Freddie found himself engulfed in a tight and warm embrace. The guitarist was holding him maybe a bit too firmly, but he appreciated the sensation of his fingers slightly gripping him. He felt good, warped around his arms, resting his head against his shoulder while curly hair was softly tickling his skin. After the unpleasant way his evening ended at the club, Freddie wanted nothing but to feel protected and cared for, and the soft “thank you” he addressed to Brian would never be enough to express his gratitude. 

They stayed still and silent for a short time. Although he found it pleasantly soothing, Freddie knew he simply couldn’t stay in Brian’s arms for the rest of the night.

“...What happened with Roger?” He heard his friend ask as he was opening his mouth to talk.

Freddie took a few seconds to think. “...’Left me to find his bird for the night.” 

Adding another girl to his one-night stands collection. And next week, someone else who take her place. Typical Roger, of course. His partners would always quickly come and quickly go. Neither Brian nor Freddie could recall the last time he friend stayed with someone for more than a week. Neither the last time they had seen him driven by love, or invested in trying to form a relationship. It was probably years ago.

Brian thought it was a pity that Roger didn’t seem to care beyond physical pleasure and satisfaction. He wasn’t condemning his friend’s obvious love for sex and a serious lack of interest in trying to form a lasting relationship, it was simply that, even if he knew that Roger wasn’t wishing for more, he believed that if he decided to care for a partner, take the time to love one and make some efforts to create a true connection, he could be happier. If he became sufficiently emotionally invested in someone, the guitarist was certain he could care enough to be faithful. Yes, faithful.

And Brian was convinced that Freddie could be that partner. The one who could make his friend finally change for the better. But Freddie was certain that he would never be in Roger’s realm of possibilities, and for now, he unfortunately couldn’t refute that. He couldn’t say it out loud, at least for now.

“I’m not blind. I expected something like that to happen, you know.” The singer’s words suddenly break the silence which had invaded the room. “He wanted to cheer me up and spend time with me, but Rog will be Rog. Why would he change his way for me? He doesn’t know a thing about what I feel for him.” 

“...He really has no idea?”

“No. And it’s better this way.” Along with the sadness, there was anger underlying in his voice. 

The blonde was an inaccessible dream, but most importantly, someone very dear and precious to Freddie. He knew how unrequited romantic feelings could threaten a friendship. He could ruin everything between them, and if his feelings caused damage to their bond, he would never forgive himself. He cherished their close friendship more than anything. He couldn’t imagine his life without Roger by his side.

“...Do you plan to... tell him, eventually ?” Brian asked after some hesitation.

After a few seconds that seemed to last for minutes, he heard a sigh coming from his friend. “Brian, Roger is my best friend. I don’t want to lose him because of some fucking useless attraction.”

If he confessed, he would only face a painfully soft and sorry look, hear the feared but expected “I don’t feel the same”, followed by the eventual and pointless apology words in a painfully soft voice. 

Freddie wanted to love, and be loved. He dreaded the idea of ending up alone, without no one. And no matter what Roger could say, the important part was that he could never love him the way he wanted to be loved. Yet, as a cruel joke, the singer had to fall for him. 

“...Freddie...” Brian put a hand on his back. “Please, don’t think of it like this. You-”

“Stop. That’s exactly what it is.” He brutally cut him, breaking the embrace, his dark eyes locked in his. “A stupid, fucking, futile, foolish attraction that’ll bring nothing good and that should never have existed.”

Brian was taken aback by his harsh words. He noticed the way Freddie’s eyes shone with anger.

Those damn feelings. Freddie clearly remembered the extended look as details, parts of his friends’ bodies, to see if something, anything sparked, once he had realised – but not yet accepted – that he was attracted to men. Did he start to feel that way towards Roger at this moment, but was too emotionally invested in trying to maintain his relationship with Mary to take notice of the evolution, resulting in these feelings getting shoved down somewhere in him, until Brian’s words dig them up to the surface?

Is that what happened? Was that why his feelings for Roger kicked so importantly in so little time?

“...Is that really how you view your feelings?” Brian asked calmly, his eyes giving away his concern.

“Oh don’t give me that unhappy look, please.” Freddie snapped, frowning. “Don’t act like there’s a chance Roger could ever feel the same. And yet here I am, hopelessly in love and stuck with feelings which probably won’t disappear before a long time if they ever do!” 

He had to calm down. John could hear him if he got too loud, and he certainly didn’t want to wake him up. He took a few seconds to breath in and out, and quickly wiped his eyes, that were starting to get watery. 

“...Brian, I… I want to be able to tell the one I love how I feel, to express how I feel. I want to be happy. And none of that will be possible if I try to go for Roger.” He sounded more jaded than sad, which wasn’t exactly an improvement. “You understand?”

“...Yeah, I do. It’s just… I wish it could work for you.” His voice was soft, but not as soft as his look full of kindness. 

For the first time since he got home, a smile made its way on Freddie’s face. It was small, but it was a smile. He felt touched by Brian’s words. What did he do to deserve such a wonderful and loving friend? 

“Thank you dear. But it’s going to work for me, you know. Just not with Roger.”

His feelings for him were pointless. They had to disappear. And if they couldn’t, maybe he could replace them. Develop feelings for someone else, someone who will be able to love him like he wanted to, so that in the end, what he felt for his friend would be erased. That way, he would be able to fully invest himself in a relationship and his friendship with Roger would stay intact. He would be in love and happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it :) Comments and kudos are always appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> I realized I really missed writing stuff like that. Writing - love stories - is a fun exercise. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
